.Awakening - Sexuality
Wherever there is discussion about Spirituality, especially in its most deepest form, the discussion of Sexuality is imperative. People usually avoid reading / talking / listening to things about sex unless it stimulates / impacts them in one way or another. Let's ponder over it for revising some basics.
Sexual desire is the most powerful of human desires. This desire is inborn, natural, powerful, and deeply ingrained. This is the highest form of physical and emotional stimulation and pleasure. This is originally present in every human being in this world, with or without its conscious knowledge or awareness. When I was in my late 20s, looking at the people around (such as my coworkers, acquaintances, and those on the Internet), I often wondered that 'everything in this world is going on only for sex'. Well, the more correct version of that statement would be everything in this world is going on only for happiness, and sex is one of the few predominant motivations and drives of people.
95% (and more) people of this world today do not realize how directly or indirectly they are being motivated by sex. They may not admit to it (definitely not directly), but sex is their primary driving force in life. It is evident everywhere. I don't need to write examples here.
The urge or desire for sex is one of the most basic instincts or needs of the human body. However, as much as the need is of the body, it is the need of the mind. That's where sexual stimulation begins. The article "Your Thoughts and Feelings" talks about the power of your mind. A wandering mind is an unhappy mind. Whenever you're living 100% in the present moment, you are happy. Researchers have found that the mind wanders by less than 10% while having sex. This is why one feels happy while having sex. Even during a honeymoon period, due to a fresh new intimate (physical and emotional) bond with someone else, even during those moments when you're not having sex, you are completely focused in the present, and that is why you glow and look happy. The thoughts you create during that time have very high chances of manifesting (unless you later go and negate them, of course).
I would be the last person on this planet to call sex wrong (especially in this time of spiritual awakening). However, when anything is over-done with dependency on it for one's happiness, it causes a problem. That's exactly what is majorly happening today and that's what I'm addressing in this article.
Foundation of Life
What is the foundation of your life? What is that primary driving force of your life? If it is sex (in any form whatsoever), your life's true inner inspiration and motivation will always be shortlived.
This is simple to understand and there are many examples seen around. Many people think they "have to" get married at a certain age, because their reproductivity is functional only up to a certain age. It is high during the early 20s, which is the legal age for marriage almost everywhere in the world. As a person reaches his late 20s, the parents start worrying. Once the person reaches the 30s, the worry magnifies. Hope is lost in the late 30s or post-40s. If the real worry was about having a life-partner, age wouldn't really be the factor causing worry. It's the knowledge that one's sexual productivity reduces as he / she grows that's deep-rooted within each one of us that makes us worry about not having a partner despite a high age. Is this a wrong worry? Well, the logic is not wrong at all. It's the "worry" that I'm talking about here. Worry is undesired.
Although this trend is changing now - because people are realizing the importance of their thought-power - the point I am trying to make here is that people have conditioned their minds to a 'by-default' thinking pattern, and are doing things only looking at what they're observing around.
A survey has shown that 19 out of 20 people have no idea why they get married or produce children. They do that just because they see others doing that. Most often, what they think is going around is not really going around. Nobody is actually expecting anything from you, but your own happiness. It is very very crucial to get this understanding ingrained (and permanently tattooed) into the mind.
The Hook-up Culture
Majority (if not all) youngsters today are driven by sex. I was really shocked to hear from someone (an acquaintance) that he had sex for the first time at the age of 14. I asked him (humorously), "Did your body even produce testosterone at 14?"
Well, we all have always been driven by that desire in some way or another, but today the approach to sex is more (and mere) physical and robotic, than a soul-based connection with another. Majority people want freedom-based-sex today more than bondage-based-sex. That's where the concept of Open Relationships / No Strings Attached Fun / Fun and Friendships / Friends with Benefits / Hook-ups / One Night Stands come into picture. Sex cannot be ignored, and Bondage (or commitment) is not desired, hence these new ideas! The only real way to have amazing sex is to have it with someone you share true intimacy and feel totally at ease with. Is there any real intimacy in the hook-up culture?
We do not need to criticize the people who prefer bonding with another human being at the superficial / shallow physical level, but if we desire to have something concrete, monogamous, substantial in life, we need to understand that this hook-up culture is not serving us. It is, in fact, taking us away from what we actually desire in life. We see so many Internet Dating Websites, which are brilliant tools to connect with one another within the blink of an eye, but (you know and I know that) the majority usage of these Sites is being made for instant connections, hook-ups, flings, one night stands, and so on and so forth. Mobile Apps have now made this even easier.
Well, everybody has the absolute right to do whatever he / she wants in life, but this is just to give a thought to take a pause and see if we're really moving in the direction of what we want in life. And I am NOT talking about this at a global level. I am ONLY talking about this at an individual level. Till when can I keep Dating / Hooking up with others and satisfy my sexual desires at a short term? (Here "I" does not mean "I - Sagar Sonker", but an individual).
A person who is driven primarily by sex in his 20s will appear very happy in his 20s, but this happiness will be shortlived as he grows up. You may say this is untrue, and that there are people who get married and have children and beautiful lives. However, I am not referring to the external appearance of one's life here. I am referring to the inner peace and contentment that one experiences throughout life. People usually say that one becomes more successful after his 40s only because of the loss in one's sexual desire. I do not think that is true. If one has the understanding of his inner being and avoids being sexually promiscuous, one can be "successful" during his 20s or 30s as well. Am I sounding boring and tasteless? Let me clarify - this does NOT mean that anybody needs to give up on sex in order to be successful. It is only about over-addiction! A focused person may have lots of sex, and still be a successful, healthy, wealthy, happy, and a loving and loved person.
You get what you desire. If you're looking only for love with no sex, you'll find it. If you're looking only for sex with no love, you'll find it. If you're looking for sex based on the foundation of love, you'll find it. Just get clear on what YOU desire, and you'll get it.
Is sex a sin / vice?
Sex wasn't, isn't, and will never be a sin / vice. If it were truly a sin / vice, looking at the way people approach it (especially today) (which most of us call 'wrong'), the world would already be destroyed.
Sex is something that humans think they cannot live without - and understandable enough. However, due to this, if they do not get the opportunities to express themselves sexually (i.e. have sex), they tend to get into the modes of depression, frustration, and sadness. This leads to a person becoming non-creative and non-productive, and that's not what a human is born to be. The feeling of "missing sex" is so intense and depressing that one cannot think about anything else in front of that - first, because he is missing that ultimate pleasure at an individual level, and second, because he tends to notice that thing very commonly around - amongst real people, on television, and on the Internet. That's how the law of attraction works. If you miss something badly, the law of attraction makes you miss that thing even more badly. Let's even consider a better example - Even if someone is missing love/commitment-based-sex (which is considered a purer form), the problem is not in "sex", but in "missing sex".
That is why - like to avoid a little child from entering into a dark room (so that he doesn't fall down and hurt himself), we say there are ghosts in dark rooms - people have announced sex as a sin.
In my words, I would say that over-addiction to sex is a sin. 'Sin' is also not the right word here. Even better words would be - Over-addiction to anything (not just sex) leads to lack of creativity, which hinders our own happiness and success. Deeper, there's nothing such as 'Over-addiction'. It's just Addiction. Addiction is enough to stagnate one's creativity.
No person or Spiritual Organization has the rights to force you to be celibate. I'm not saying this from the point of view of the legal laws of your country, but I'm saying this from the point of view of your inner power and ability to choose what YOU want in your life. I keep hearing from people that members of certain spiritual organization (where celibacy is a mandatory rule) express their disapproval when a visitor wants to get married in his personal life. Such people are ruthlessly asked to quit the organization and are not allowed to visit their Centers. This is a clear indication of a lack of spiritual understanding by those members, and, in my opinion, it is better to stay away from such members / Centers / organization.
Are love and sex the same?
There is a big confusion in the minds of majority people as to whether Love and Sex are one and the same or different. Decades and centuries ago, sex (especially that before marriage or outside of the marriage) was a taboo. Today, however, people are more open about sex, and they confuse sex with love in two ways.
First - some people say that there is no difference between love and sex. That's incorrect. Sex and love are important and essential components in a partnered relationship, but they're not one and the same. They're mutually exclusive. However, since these two feelings are very close to each other and almost go hand-in-hand, they are often referred to as one and the same. However, let's be clear that they're still two different.
Second - people say, 'If I love one person (i.e. my partner), I love him / her anyway, and I am carrying out my responsibilities, and now I am allowing myself to have sex with someone else too (outside of my committed relationship)'. This is a sheer misuse and misunderstanding of the true meaning of love. We have the freedom, and we are allowed to use it the way we want. However, it would be good to understand everything first before making statements that we don't even realize the meanings of.
I may sound biased, but that's just me. That's my preference, belief, and my opinion. If someone has sex outside of his committed relationship it indicates a few things - first, he isn't able to experience true love with his partner; second, he is still looking for love in the wrong places (love is not found outside); third, he will continue to be in this vicious endless cycle of seeking sex (and calling it love); fourth, he is not being 100% responsible towards his committed partner; fifth, his partner is not his "perfect partner" according to him, which is untrue. There is no perfect partner. You chose to be with that person, now make that person your perfect partner.
Husbands who have sexual relationships outside their marriage, when I ask them, "What if your wife does the same?" Some of them keep quiet and have no answer, whereas some others - just to sound arrogant to me - bluntly say, "That's perfectly fine with me." They often don't realize what they're speaking.
The greatest, most intelligent people are the most sexual people. If you repress love or forcefully block yourself from expressing yourself sexually, you close yourself and you stagnate your energy flow. You suppress the natural flow of your life. While in love one flows. One feels extremely confident. That's why a person in love is very attractive, magnetic and inspiring. Then it might as well be Self-love. When a person expresses and experiences love, he immediately becomes very beautiful. He instantly starts feeling extraordinary. He feels new energy, fresh. He walks more gracefully, and feels very light and like as-if he is always dancing in his heart. His eyes look attractive and beautiful, his face glows and he becomes luminous.
When people are in love they perform at the optimum. Don't allow love and they will remain at the minimum. When they remain at the minimum they are stupid, they are ignorant, they don't bother to know. And when people are ignorant and stupid and deluded, they can be easily deceived.
When people are sexually repressed<>, love-wise repressed, they start hankering for the other life. They think about Heaven, Paradise, but they don't think to create the paradise here, now. When you are in love, Paradise is here now. Then you don't bother; then who goes to the priest? Then who bothers that there should be a Paradise? You are already there! You are no longer interested, but when your love energy is repressed, you start thinking, "Here is nothing, now is empty. Then there must be somewhere some goal..." You go to the priest and ask about heaven and he paints beautiful pictures of Heaven. Sex has been repressed so that you can become interested in the other life. And when people are interested in the other life, naturally they are not interested in this life. There is no other life. It is only this life that you are supposed to enjoy, embrace, and live to the fullest.
This is exactly what Tantra says - this life is the only life. The other life is hidden in this life! It is not against it, it is not away from it; it is in it. Go into it - this is it! Go into it and you will find the other, too. If you love, you will be able to feel it.
With that said, let me clarify. If you do stay celibate naturally, and because you WANT to do it, not because someone else wants you to stay celibate, it means that you are already focused on something positive in life. For example, it may be natural for someone to stay celibate until he finds his mate, even if he has crossed his 30s. That's not because he "should be" celibate, because nobody "should be" anything. Everyone should be only what they want to be. It's his wish to stay away from promiscuity until he finds someone of his own, and that's perfectly fine. On the other hand, if he wants to enjoy his physical / sexual side, he is free to do that as well. If he stays celibate during his wait for his partner, and misses sex, there's a mixed energy of confusion in there, and it leads to mixed manifestations.
Addiction to Masturbation / Porn
I would never ask you to STOP doing something that you feel like doing. However, I would always encourage you to evaluate if your energy is being retained or depleted by your actions. Answers, Reasoning, and Desires must come from within, for them to be successful in their implementation.
Always evaluate if your actions are giving you something or only taking away from you. It's not as much about "short-term pleasure" and "long-term pleasure", as much it is about "if this action is adding value to my life".
BE NATURAL, is what I would say, however, that does not mean that masturbating daily may be natural or normal. If that's all that you think about or do, then you certainly need to introspect about your priorities in life. A typical example is the few men belonging to "No Masturbation" Groups who count the number of days they've "not fapped". That's all that you're thinking about, isn't it?
On the other hand, some people (especially men) believe in controlling the urge to masturbate for as long as possible, as that not only makes them feel powerful, but also energetic. While some others disagree (and as I read a comment by someone that said "I can see how some people can mistake being horny as fuck as "more energy"."), to which my response was, "Semen Retention is Energy Retention!. The feeling of 'being horny' is essentially the feeling of 'being full of energy and power'. Nothing else."
Especially for men, when I say that 'Semen Retention' is the conservation of Energy, I am only talking about being natural and controlled here. I'm not asking you to 'Control yourself unnaturally', because that's not necessarily what your mind or body desires (or deserves).
Therefore, don't repress from giving yourself the pleasure that you want to (and deserve too). Be natural. On some days, your masturbation frequency may be more than on some other days, and that's perfectly fine. Accept yourself, while keeping a check on the overall discipline of your life.
However, I'm not asking you to keep a chart or time-table for this Be yourself! And if you can control yourself for a day or two longer, you'll always enjoy the later experience a lot more! (and the journey too, no doubt!)
Many religions, and, thus, countries, consider Homosexuality (i.e. same-sex relationships) a sin / unnatural / illegal. As per my understanding, Being Gay is not illegal, but Gay Sex is termed illegal / unnatural / sinful. While there are many other "worse" things going on in those countries (under the name of religions), I wouldn't criticize them just for saying why I do not think homosexuality is a sin.
Understandable though. As the sex drive in young humans is high today, heterosexuals and homosexuals alike, the perception everyone has about homosexuals is that homosexuals only bond on the robotic and mechanical level of sex, which is untrue. That may be what the majority of homosexuals do, not all. Nevertheless, bonding merely at the level of sex is something that even heterosexuals do. Many do that outside their committed / married lives, secretly. There's a new term "Detached Sex" now. If that is fine, I'm sure with time people will realize that homosexuality is fine too.
Many people confuse Gays as Eunuchs. While every individual in this world is equally important for this world, there are times when the incorrect notions that people attach to Gay Guys is what blocks their minds from thinking deeply. I have personally seen people making fun of eunuchs (and thus, Gay Guys), which has been an unfortunate sight.
If you look at it in a bit more deeper way, every person in this world wants to be loved and to love someone, and sex then becomes a part of that relationship, not always the foundation of it.
People call homosexuality unnatural, because they deeply believe that the only reason why a man and a woman should be together is that they reproduce, procreate, and keep the human race from being extinct. And since two men cannot reproduce children from one another as a couple, homosexuality is unnatural. Bruce H. Lipton<>, an American scientist, states in the most perfect words - Perhaps if more people realized that coupling in higher organisms is fundamentally about bonding, not about the drive to reproduce. there would be less prejudice against homosexuality.
You don't have to be Gay in order to support Homosexuality. If you would like to support LGBT Rights, click this link to add a rainbow to your current Facebook Profile Picture: www.facebook.com/celebratepride<>
Click here<> to read my Facebook post answering someone's question on homosexuality
Organizations promoting Celibacy
It may already be clear by now that Celibacy is NOT the only path to a spiritually elevated lifestyle.
The intention of organizations promoting celibacy cannot be doubted, however, the way some organizations promote it is sick. They give you a piece of paper on which it is mentioned that sex is a sin, and they say, 'This is a message from God, if you do not listen to it or follow celibacy, you will rust, decay, or live a painful life in hell'. Now they cannot take their words back (after having preached that for decades), but blindly following someone is like incorrectly understanding the mythological stories. You will read more about God later, but briefly, if sex was sin according to God, He would've intervened and warned us about it centuries ago. If sex was wrong or harmful, nature would've not provided us with the sexual organs in the first place.
There are organizations as well that try to control the sexuality of their followers using very unnatural means. Anything that is unnatural causes frustration and lack in creativity, and the purpose of celibacy continues to be defied<>. There are many people who quit such organizations (further defaming the organization), just because they feel smothered by celibacy.
It is true that when sex is the only thing on your mind (may be when you're getting to perform it regularly or missing it from your life), your power to focus and create diminishes, and is hampered. That is something you do not want, do you? That is what it means by 'All pain in your life today is due to sex'. It is not due to sex, it is due to lack of focus. Guess this is the second time I'm writing this line on this page - A focused person may have lots of sex, and still be a successful, healthy, wealthy, happy, and a loved person.
Celibacy is not something that can be imposed or forced upon someone. It is a choice. If one thinks that gives them happiness, they must surely pursue that lifestyle, however, my strong advice is to follow YOUR heart. Don't follow someone else's heart, just by listening to what they say or how they appear to you. Your journey is unique to you. Celibacy is NOT the only path (or a mandatory path) to a spiritually elevated lifestyle. It is a totally different game altogether, and many many people just like (to argue about) those concepts, but fail to understand them. For example, there was once a lady exposing her armpits and cleavage in her real Facebook Profile Photo, arguing with me about how Celibacy is THE path. This is how silly some people can get, but it's funny at the same time.
Non-addiction to sex (whether you're Single or in a Relationship) is the best and the only form of celibacy. I am a believer in waiting for the right partner to turn up before activating your sexuality.
Sex and Relationships
Today, majority of the relationships are established only on sexual grounds. In those relationships, intimacy is the only attraction individuals have in one another. There are, but few relationships that are established on true inner soul connections, where sex comes naturally, and much later in the game (i.e. after commitment, marriage, etc.).
Flings, Sex-dates and One night stands are not relationships! They are only ways to give an outlet to one's sexual urges. Although I wouldn't say there's anything "wrong" or "sinful" in them, they are highly energy-depleting in nature. If you go on a Date with someone with the only intention that you both even have breakfast together, you are not making the most of that date.
The most minimum requirement I would recommend someone to have is CLARITY. If you're clear that you want only sex-dates throughout your life (and remain Single), be clear about it. It is good to not be in a confused state of mind and carry out actions that you may think later that you would've better avoided.
This is what is "wrong" about sex...
Depression or frustration or addiction to pornography, because you've not enough opportunity to have sex is wrong. Either go and have sex without thinking too much about it or if you want to wait for a committed partner, wait. Don't be in a dangling place.
Getting married to have sex is wrong, because that would be shortlived. Often, parents want their children to get married so that they don't "wander away" (obviously, sexually). Marriage is a commitment, a promise, a beautiful and warm connection you establish with another person to live the rest of your life with.
Having sex-dates or casual (sexual) fun with multiple people until you find your soulmate is a sign of lack of faith and focus in your desire, because in such a case, you will only keep kissing the wrong frogs in life, and not attract the Prince Charming. Why dilute your desire?
Having sex outside of the marriage / relationship is wrong according to me, because by doing that you're neither respecting your marriage, nor creating a 'Quality Life'. Humans have come up with the concept of 'Open Relationship' these days, which is nothing but a self-granted license to have sex. An open relationship is not a relationship in the first place at all. Well, I'm not labelling it as right or wrong. I'm just referring to this as lack of commitment to your past decisions in life. It is lack of clarity in life that's painful.
Polygamy is meaningless too and it lowers the quality of your life by you not being able to focus on anything substantially.
There is a vast difference between being happy and having sex as part of love and having sex out of addiction / hollowness / sexlessness.
Here's a beautiful article written by Jill Blakeway. She's perfectly spoken my mind.
Good sex - connected sex - is a recipe with a lot of ingredients. This article is not written by me. I have only copied it from someone's share on a Facebook Group, and may be added a few bits here and there. Immensely love it.
Good sex involves love. That's why the best sex is often sex between long-term partners. You might have good sex early on in a relationship, too, because when you are doing it right, having sex is actually making love. Good sex both inspires and builds love. It expresses love. And in the moment-to-moment experience of it, good sex is loving.
Good sex is an exchange. It's mutual. Cooperative. It's giving and receiving - for both partners. It's shared energy, flowing in both directions. Good sex is selfless. It's not about you. It's about us.
Good sex is energizing. And energy-balancing. Good sex only adds to your stores of energy; it never drains them. Good sex is committed. In a stable, long-term relationship you can draw on the most profound and powerful benefits of sex. Casual sex isn't necessarily bad sex, and it most certainly can be fun, or so many of us wouldn't be reminiscing about it. But it tends to be energy depleting - you give away energy and you don't really get it back. Because casual sex is not typically truly connected sex, there's no pathway for energy to get back to you.
Good sex means both partners are present - present with each other, present in the moment. For sex to be good, you have to have your head in the game. Your attention needs to be on what you are doing and who you are doing it with. Both of you really need to engage, or you won't get everything out of the experience you could.
Good sex is pleasurable. Good sex is satisfying. Physically and emotionally. For both of you. Orgasm is a big part of that, but it's not the be-all and end-all of satisfaction. Exactly what counts as satisfying will vary from person to person, couple to couple, and even from time to time.
Good sex is a total body experience. There's a lot to be said for the genitals when it comes to sex, of course, but that's just one item on a much longer menu. There are a few variations on this theme: Good sex uses all five senses. And good sex involves heart, mind, and body.
Good sex is a form of communication - some of it verbal. But like music, or dance, or art, the point is: Expression is often beyond mere words. Good sex is meaningful. Good sex is also generous, warm, enjoyable, joyful, tender, sincere, sharing, supportive, responsible, open, compassionate, empathetic, energetic, genuine, and passionate - sometimes all at once. Sometimes not! Good sex is a whole greater than the sum of the parts.